1. The importance of listening
As an online college student, I spend quite a lot of time working from home in silence. But, as I discovered, it is an entirely different experience to be mindfully silent while in a group. Non-verbal cues serve as communication as well, so at the beginning of the retreat, Esther encouraged us to go inwards with no obligation even to make eye contact with our fellow students. She wanted us to investigate what is here and now, accept it (if we can), and give ourselves what we truly need (love and kindness).
A week in silence brought me to a deeper understanding of human interactions. Even a quiet person like me is guilty of mindless chatter. Not that I’m saying there’s anything wrong with small talk, but am I present for it? Can I listen without interrupting? Can I listen without drafting a premature response?
Since the retreat, I’ve been more present and I’ve developed meditation habits that stick, while also finding my own balance regarding social interactions. Learning my own limits and boundaries has helped me give all of myself sometimes, rather than giving some of myself always.
2. I never missed my phone
Going into week-long silence also meant unplugging and surrendering our personal electronic devices, such as cell phones and tablets. Esther also suggested that we did not journal or even read.
I thought being without my phone would be the hardest part of the retreat but, as it turned out, it was probably the most therapeutic and easiest task of the whole week. Following my week of no contact, I found that in my absence, the world didn’t miss a beat. No one was angry that I didn’t get back to them sooner and my job was waiting for me, right where I left off.
Of course, most modern yoga teachers, including Esther, don’t advocate that we drop out of life altogether or that electronics are evil, but they do have a time and place. They are useful so long as they don’t rule our lives.
3. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
Meditation and mindfulness have gained a lot of mainstream traction lately, but I think it’s important to acknowledge that the benefits, while authentic, sometimes take time to develop.
I once believed that I would sit down to meditate and achieve perfection and bliss immediately, but then (gasp), that peaceful tranquility didn’t arrive. Meditation made me feel anxious, frustrated, even furious. For a long time, I didn’t meditate because no matter how hard I tried, my anxiety only got worse. If this is you, please know that you are not the only one and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Esther taught me to accept the ‘madness’, that it was okay to dislike meditation for a while. It was okay to do something else instead. Eventually, I found that I could settle down and sit with it. As frustrated as I was, the only way to the other side was to sit through it. Acceptance ultimately found a place in my heart but it was not immediate or automatic. It took work, dedication, and patience but was never an excuse to beat myself up when I missed a day, was too tired, or for whatever reason, just couldn’t do it.
Through purposeful practice, I’m enjoying where I am today. Through all of it, I have come to know that no matter how I feel – it is ALL okay. When I’m feeling my worst and even my best, I know that deep down, the best thing I can do for myself is to feel and allow it fully; to show up for my feelings and myself again, and again.